Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
