Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
