just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
