Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
