I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
