I wish I could punch you in the face.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
