FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
