pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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