dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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