I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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