I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
