she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
