he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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