Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends