how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!