Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
