You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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