I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
