It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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