hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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