He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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