you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
