The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
