Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
