If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
