before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
