I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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