I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
