i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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