Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Randomize
