Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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