It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
