life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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