the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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