Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
BRING THE BAGELS
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
