Please, let me fuck your mom
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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