On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is not my ceiling
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
