If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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