I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
