Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
As shirtless as possible
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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