You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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