We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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