If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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