never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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