I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
