So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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