I am spending my child support on dildos
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
