She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
