apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
