He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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