remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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