Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
