If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
